Parent like a Griffith

Andy Griffith recently passed away and many a people were heartbroken.  I know I was.  I'm assuming everyone knows who Andy Griffith was, am I right?  NO!?!?!?  Well, shame on you.  


Andy Griffith played Sheriff Andy Taylor on a popular show called........The Andy Griffith Show.  And what a show it was - and still is today if you're fortunate enough to catch a rerun.


I love this show and will stop and watch at least a few moments of it if I can from time to time.  When you watch Andy, you'll notice some pretty amazing characteristics you don't see too often these days; patience, wit, wisdom, respect.  And what was great about Andy is that it wasn't like he had moments where these traits really popped, it was all the time - no matter who he was talking with he never steered too far away from his calm and pleasant demeanor.


Now, why bring this up in a post for The Daddy Craft?  Well, Andy had a son on the show named Opie (you know him now as Ron Howard, the famous Hollywood actor, producer and director).  I always felt the relationship between Andy and Opie was pretty remarkable.  Opie was just a regular kid doing what regular kids do.  And Andy was a remarkable dad, trying to raise a regular kid.  Opie would get into trouble, and Andy would apply appropriate punishment, which was always followed up with a heart-felt one-on-one father-son discussion and everyone would go about their business; the son feeling he learned a lesson and the father feeling he imparted wisdom - Just Beautiful, really!


I'm not going to go into a big lecture here with step-by-step instructions on how to parent like Andy Taylor (Griffith).  Nope, I'm going to leave that up to you.  Your assignment is to tune in to an episode of The Andy Griffith Show and take some good mental notes.  Then I want you to reflect upon your fathering style and see if a few of your own traits could use a little Griffith.  


One of the wonderful things about Andy's parenting style is that he always kept his advice short, sweet, and to the point.  He never told Opie everything he probably should have - No, he gave Opie just enough and then let him figure out the rest on his own.


So that's what I'm doing here.  Now, go on now...run along and do as your told.  That's a good dad.

Better off dad

I was listening to a story on the radio not long ago that has really stuck with me.  It was all about "The American Dream" - or at least some form of it anyway.  The focus was on helping our kids to become better off (financially) than we are.

I was really struck by the story's emphasis of financial security.  It's a valid concern for sure, but I got to thinking about the word "better."  What does better really mean?  Sure, it can include money, but that certainly isn't the only thing.  I hope!

Helping our children grow and learn to live happy, healthy lives is no easy task.  Compound that with trying to make sure they are learning to live happier and healthier lives than us is even more difficult - I think that's the essence of better-off.  But isn't that what we're supposed to be doing as parents?  I think we'd be doing ourselves and our children an injustice if we didn't try to give them a boost.  Don't you?

Well, back to the word better.  Every father who reads this is going to define better in their own way.  For some, better may mean helping their kids get through high school, an accomplishment they cannot claim for themselves.  For others it may mean carrying the family tradition of graduating from an ivy league college.  For some it may mean climbing the corporate ladder a little higher than dad did.  For others it means taking over the family business and growing it bigger than previous generations.  I can keep going with this, but I think you get the point.

I don't know this for sure, but I'm pretty sure no man becomes a father and says, "I'm really hoping to screw this up and make sure this kid has it worse than me."  We may stumble and make mistakes.  We might say or do the wrong things from time to time.  But, so long as you're always trying to help them become better, your heads in the right place.

So, The American Dream isn't always about money.  I think when people here the phrase, The American Dream, mostly they think of owning a home.  Quite honestly, I'm not sure that's it anymore.  It's broader than that.  It's bigger than that.  And, it's more important than that.

Soldiers coming home from WWII were eager to get their lives back in order.  They wanted to settle down, start a family, hold a steady job and then buy a house.  They were enticed by the idea of being able to do all of that and it all seemed so good.  And at that time, and for many years after, it was a good thing.

But it's so much more than that now.  Being a father and helping your kids become better off than yourself is no longer about money.  It's no longer about holding a steady job and buying a home.  Fatherhood has changed over the years and it's evolved into something more intricate and intimate than at any other time in human history.  I think dads today are more willing to discuss their mistakes with their kids.  To help their children see a vulnerable side that, until recently, was scarcely seen or known.  Helping our kids become better off means more now than it ever has. 

You need to ask yourself if you are helping your kid(s) to become better off than you.  Be vulnerable and think about the mistakes you've made and decide if you're really comfortable sharing those memories and lessons with your children.  Don't just help them get off on the right foot, help them got going on the better foot.  That's your job.  That's your responsibility.

Great Expectations

A friend of mine recently posted a link on her facebook page to a very interesting article about the differences in parenting across various cultures (Read it here).  I thought it would fit perfectly in The Daddy Craft.

I'll let you read the article to get all the details.  I'll put in my two cents here:


As a father I have great expectations for my daughters.  I expect them to behave while in public (and all the time for that matter), take care of their toys, appreciate their clothes, respect their parents (and their elders) and a whole slew of other things on top of these.  I would not be doing my job as a parent if I didn't do these things.


Unfortunately, not all parents take their responsibility as seriously I do.  Some of them simply don't care.  While others never had a good parental example to model.  Still, others try very hard, but for any number of reasons, it's just not working well.  Everyone has their reasons.


I'm not going to get all preachy on you here - but I do want to ask that before, during and after you've finished the article, to please reflect upon your own style of parenting.  I want you to ask yourself if you are parenting the way you really want to be parenting.  Are you doing your children a disservice or an injustice or are you truly doing right by them?  Are you preparing them for the "real world"?  Are you teaching them the skills they will need to be self-sufficient, self-reliant and self-confident?


I hope you enjoy this article and give it some good thought.  I know I did.

Calling all Dads!

Father's day is upon us and dads everywhere will be celebrated.  Some will be showered with gifts, fed breakfast in bed, given handmade cards and maybe a phone call from children who moved away years ago.  All of which are wonderful, aren't they?

Being a father is one of the greatest joys of my life.  I look forward to Father's Day for many reasons, but I think what I'm most excited about is the confirmation that I'm doing an OK job - whether that comes as a hug and an "I love you", a card covered in crayon or a simple, "Thanks Daddy."

As I was thinking about what to write for this Father's Day my mind was flooded with so many ideas.  But the one that really stuck was to present a challenge to all dads.  I know what your thinking - "A challenge? As if being a dad wasn't challenging enough!"  Trust me, you can do this.

What I am about to propose is something all us dads can do.  In fact, it's something I do as much as I possibly can.  Ready for it?

Do it BETTER!

That's it.  Simply enough, right?

Give it some thought though.  How often do you pause, take a moment to reflect upon how good of a dad you really are, and then make the necessary changes to do it better?  I try to do it as much as I can, but I always find ways to screw it up.

So, dads, how do we do it better?  Beats me!  I'm figuring this all out as I go.  If anyone out there has the Dad's Guide to Raising Kids Manual, let me know when you're done - I NEED IT!

Seriously though.  How do we do it better?  What you'll find below is a 3-Part list of things I've tried (to varying degrees of success).  It is your job to read through the list and see what's going to work for you.

So here it is.  Enjoy!

1)  Stop.  Most of the time this is the best thing you can do.  No matter what's going on, stopping and taking a breath, walking away, closing your eyes or whatever you need to do, is the best way to do it better.  When we, as dads, are tackling a project around the house, momentum is our biggest ally.  Right?  You know the feeling; the to-do list has more check-marks than ever, progress is noticeable all around the house and yard, you've got sweat on your brow and your back aches with the pain of accomplishment.

Well, sometimes the opposite is true when it comes to being a better dad.  Momentum (or anger or fear or frustration or annoyances) forces us to make bad fatherly decisions.  We get so wrapped up in the moment it just gets out of hand.  You know the moments when this happens, don't you?  I know I do.  We need to recognize these moments and stop ourselves dead in our tracks.  Don't be ashamed to do this.  I believe your kid(s) will respect your control and will be more receptive to you in the end.

2)  Walk away.  I mentioned this in the section above, but it deserves further detail.  Take a moment to remove yourself from the situation so you can clear your head.  In the heat of the moment, things get said that need not be spoken.  If you feel the moment tensing up, simply say "I need a moment" and leave to compose yourself.

This one needs to be done wisely.  What I mean is that you can't just get up and leave in the middle of a conversation or an argument.  That will surely get everyone angry, confused and frustrated with you.  Instead, give your loved ones a heads up and let them know you have recognized that sometimes you lose your cool and you think you'd like to try taking a break from the situation (only for a few moments) and then continue it right where you left off.  Make sure you let them know you aren't walking away just to be done with the problem though.  Reassure them that this will help make sure the situation is handled well, and better than in the past.

3)  Reflect.  I know it sounds kind of lame, but men need to do it too.  Reflecting upon the things we've done and critiquing ourselves is what leads us to become better dads.  I'm not saying you need to over think every single second of fathering you're ever had, but taking a moment to think through some big moments where things either went really well, or not so well, is a really important habit to start forming.

This can be difficult to do if you've never done it before.  Finding the time (however much time is needed for this) is not always easy.  Our schedules are jammed packed from sun up to sun down nearly every day, so when do we squeeze in some reflecting time?  Well, that's the nice thing about this part of the challenge; it really doesn't take much time at all.  Here's some moments I've used to have a reflecting moment - please don't laugh:

    * While driving
    * While mowing the lawn
    * Before falling asleep
    * When I'm pumping gas
    * While on the pot
    * After the kids are in bed and my wife is still at work (like right now, literally)
    * Any other moment, even if for a minute, where you can think in peace

 So there it is.  Use these steps as often as you need and as much as you would like.

Being a dad is a wonderful thing.  It is challenging at times, for sure.  But, it is always wonderful.  Every day you wake up you have the opportunity to do it better.  If you're the best dad ever, or the worst dad ever, you always have room for improvement.  If you are honest with yourself, and put your ego aside, I think you will agree with me.

Now, I hope each and every father out there has an absolutely wonderful Father's Day.  You're already doing a great job.  Let's take this challenge to WOW our kid(s) and let them know just how important it is for us to do this right.  To be the best dad we can be and to strive to DO IT BETTER with each new day.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
  

Chore Time!

Over the past month or so I've been introducing my daughters to new, age-appropriate tasks.  I am amazed at how eager my daughters are to actually lend a hand to housekeeping.  So, I thought I'd write a little about my experience in hopes that maybe it'll help you with your little ones.

It's no secret that housework sucks.  No one really like to do it.  No one sane anyway.  Oddly enough, I don't think I'm fully sane because I get a great deal of satisfaction from cleaning up.  I love a clean kitchen counter, a dust-free shelf and a fuzz-less carpet.  I like seeing the work get done; the progress being made and the clear proof of completion.  So, naturally I've tried to share that enjoyment with my daughters.

And I think that's been the trick to the whole process; enjoyment.  I've tried to really teach the enjoyment of chores.  Just like anything, if you express enjoyment in the activity, your child will want to express it too, hopefully.  Every child is different, so assigning chores should fit their skill level and interests.  Let them see you get excited and feel good about finishing a chore and perhaps they will too.

So, here's a summary of what I've been doing.  I'm no expert, but I am having a great deal of success.

1)  Trash:  Start by pulling the trash bag out of the can yourself.  Tie it and set it on the floor.  All you'll be doing here is asking you child to carry the bag from the kitchen (or where ever you keep the garbage can) to the front/back door.  It's a simple task to carry it a little ways across the house.  When they've done that, congratulate them.  "Wow, you carried that a long way.  Good job!"  "That was a big, heavy bag and you did it all on your own - Nice work!"

Once you've done this a few times it's time to graduate to taking it all the way to the garbage can.  You'll praise them even more when they complete the whole process.  Next, you'll have them do the entire process; from pulling the full bag out to putting the new bag in.

2)  Dishes:  There's a lot to cover here.  First, always encourage your kids to bring their dishes from any meal to the sink.  They should have a clear expectation that when they are finished with their dishes they need to put them away.

I've been having my girls help unload the dishwasher - and it's been great.  My younger daughter will empty the silverware and utensils  while my other daughter puts away all the "kid dishes".  We've moved it up a couple notches lately though.  My younger one is now also helping put away the kid dishes and my older daughter is helping me put away the adult dishes.

I like this chore for a couple of reasons.  First, they are both really learning their way around the kitchen.  They know exactly where certain dishes are kept, so if they want to pour themselves something to drink, I don't have to help them locate a kid cup.  Second, it's also been a learning experience as I teach them about the purpose behind the different sized spoons, glasses and the difference between a spatula and a turner.

3)  Dusting:  You'll have to gauge which areas you'll allow your little one to dust.  If you have a lot of little knick-knacks I wouldn't place a duster in the hands on an uneducated, uncoordinated toddler.  But, a book shelf with sturdy books and some unbreakable bookends might be a great training ground.  I started my younger daughter with this task.  My older daughter doesn't really care for it.  There are some great new duster on the market now-a-days that are really easy for kids to use - so pick one up and let your little one go nuts.

4)  Laundry:  This can be as simple as having them put their dirty clothes in the hamper and putting their already folded pj's in their dresser drawer.  Both of my daughter love this one.  It helps them learn to care for their clothes and it keeps a daily chore under some sort of control.

Ask your child to help you move the clothes from the washer to the dryer.  Have them stand at the dryer, with the door open, and hand them a few wet clothes from the washer.  Ask them to put them in the dryer and then slam the door.  This one is really quick and fun for them.  Kids love to put things inside other things, so the task should be very natural for them.

Now that my older daughter is getting taller (too tall if you ask me), she can now lift herself up on the washer and reach in and pull out the clothes herself.  I still help with the stray socks at the bottom of the washer she can't yet reach, but mostly she does it all herself.

5)  Yard work:  From raking leaves into a pile to jump in to pulling weeds to pushing the lawn mower for the first time, there are so many tasks that can be done by kids of all ages.  This one is very exciting for me.  I helped my older daughter push the mower for the first time and it actually brought tears to my eyes.  It's a big job to push a mower (especially one like ours - not self-propelled).  She got a big kick out of it and was beaming the entire time.

6)  Car wash:  On a hot summer day, this one is a no-brainer.  Unless you are anal about your vehicle, don't do this one.   But, if you just want the bird doodoo cleared away, grab a rag and a bucket of suds and got to town.  This was probably one of the first chores both my daughters helped with.  Bubbles, water, a hose - what's not to love.

There are many more chores for sure.  This list is not exhaustive and each household has its own unique list of chores.  So, pick a couple you think your offspring can handle and let them go to work.  Follow these steps:

1)  Demonstrate
2)  Give clear instructions
3)  Observe
4)  Praise

It doesn't really matter if they've actually done the job the way you would have done it - it's the participation that counts.  Show how awesome they did by praising them and encourage them to do it again next time.  Instill a sense of enjoyment and appreciation, and mix with a lot of patience on your part, and before you know it, your little one will be well on their way to chore stardom.

Oh!  By the way; make it fun.  If you show that it's a burden you're child will view it that way too.  Whistle while you work, play music, make a game out of it and just have some good ol' fashioned fun.

And, after all is said and done - you've now bonded with your kids and all you spent was time, well spent time.

Happy Cleaning Everyone!

One tough chick!

I recently wrote a post about raising tough girls and thought it was a good theme to continue.

I just saw The Hunger Games and I loved it!  I was way more entertained than I thought I would be.  From the previews it looked like it was going to have everything I want in a movie; fighting, battles, survivor mentality, justice, non-conformity and some stuff blew up!

Very cool, right?  Hollywood strikes again!

But the element that struck me as the most important and, somewhat over looked, is that the main character is female.  I know what you're thinking,"Duh! Of course she's a girl."  And I further know that this was made apparent by the incredible ad campaign leading up to and during the movie's release.

But stop for a moment right here.  For all you dad's out there (and moms, because I know some of you read here too), I want you to recall all the movies you've seen and list how many of them were led by a strong leading female character.  I'm not talking about the movies where a female simply has a leading role and perhaps her character has an edge to her.  No, I'm talking about the sort of leading female like Katniss Everdeen, played by Jennifer Lawrence.  I'm having a difficult time thinking of more than just a few.

I'm not going to go into a long history of film and interplay my personal thoughts on sexism and how the traditional view of men as the superior sex had anything to do with the types of characters we're all used to as these films were delivered to us by a predominantly male-run industry.

But I do want to emphasize the serious lack of truly tough women in movies.  I think this is changing though; because as I type this I realize that most of the movies I can think of with this type of character are within the last 10 years or so.

What I mean by "this type of character" is the following and it is so much of what I want my girls to be: 

She was simultaneously tough and sensitive.  Remained true to herself, but recognized areas of growth and made necessary changes in order to take herself to her next level.  Learned from her mistakes, but didn't let fear of failure paralyze her.  She knew who she could trust, but proceeded with caution.  She acted quickly and decisively, but adjusted if her decision went awry.  She showed the strong where they were weak and helped the weak find their strength.  I could continue, but I think you get the point.

Now, I'm an NOT going to rush out and take my 7 and 5 year old to see this movie; they are no where near ready for that sort of violence.  However, I will keep this movie title on my list of movies to watch with them when the time is right.

Here's a post from a blog I follow.  I think it captures much of what The Daddy Craft tries to offer. 

 

The Way of the Peaceful Parent

‘… and she loved a boy very, very much– even more than she loved herself.’ ~Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

Post written by Leo Babauta.

There is no such thing as stress-free parenting.
A reader requested that I share my thoughts on stress-free parenting, as the father of six kids. And while I have learned a lot about being a dad, and finding joy in parenthood, I also know that stress-free parenting is a myth.
Parents will always have stress: we not only have to deal with tantrums and scraped knees and refusing to eat anything you cook, but we worry about potential accidents, whether we are ruining our kids, whether our children will find happiness as adults and be able to provide for themselves and find love.


Click here to read the entire post

On raising tough girls

When my youngest daughter was about three years old she had not one, but two bullies in her preschool.  These two bullies were twins and had already developed a very sour reputation with several school systems – already by the age of three!  My heart broke then and still breaks for them.  I’m sure there are many unfortunate reasons for their behavior. 

We can’t control how other people parent their kids.  Or control how other kids behave.  Far be it from any of us to correct another parent or critique them based off what we see for a few seconds. 




A parent’s best line of defense is to teach their kids how to stand up for themselves.

I married a very strong, don’t-take-no-guff-from-no one kinda woman – so this part of parenting two daughters actually came relatively easy for us.  We had decided long before we had any kids that we would teach them to feel confident in defending themselves – and we wanted them to learn it at an early age.  So when our youngest came home with a black eye and an “Incident Report” from her preschool, we knew we were already at this stage.

We sat our little girl down and coached her on how to defend herself.  Of course we told her that it’s a good thing to go tell the teacher if someone is hurting you.  But what happens when that doesn’t solve the problem?  With clear words and plenty of scenarios, my wife and I helped build our daughter’s confidence and taught her how to yell “Get Away From Me!”, make fists and how to push someone away and then run away.  Now, when I say we taught her how to yell, I mean really yell.  I spent many years training in self-defense and learned that if you don’t train like it is real, you won’t do it when it is real.  So with her little three-year-old voice she YELLED “get away from me!”, “I’m a tough girl!”, “don’t MESS with me!”

I know it might seem kind of harsh to teach a three year old how to do that, but it was our decision to do it.  You need to decide how you’re going to teach your daughter to defend herself. 

The same night I wrote this post I heard from a long time friend of mine about a very frightening event she went through.  Long story short, she woke up at about 3am to her 1 year old crying.  When she rolled over to get out of bed she saw an intruder standing next to her.  She froze in fear and watched as the man, apparently startled by the child crying, walked to the foot of her bed and lay down on the floor, as if to hide until she returned to the room.  My friend woke her husband, who was sleeping right next to her and pointed to the foot of the bed, mouthing “there’s someone here.”  My friend, not sure if she actually saw what she saw, meekly said, “hello?”  The intruder stood up, said hello, and then walked out of the bedroom and out of the house.  The man was wearing a woman’s wig, no shirt, a thong, no pants and no shoes.  Terrifying huh?

People do weird things, scary things and dangerous things and you never know when or where it’s going to happen.  You can’t go through life thinking something bad is always going to happen to you – and you don’t want your daughter to think she’s going to be a victim of some horrendous crime just because she’s a female.  But, as her father, you need to at least talk to her about these kinds of things. 


If you don’t know any self-defense tactics, look into it with your daughter.  Let her know you want her to be safe.  See what your local college or park district offers for self-defense classes.  Call your police department and see if they offer any classes.  Go online and do a basic search for self-defense and you're sure to find a plethora of resources.

Here’s short list of basic self-defense moves you should talk about:

·         Kicking in the groin is always allowed.  Hit there first and hit there hard.  Then run away screaming.

·         Eyeballs.  They are soft and no one likes getting pocked in them.  If someone is attacking you and you can get a finger in there, pop that eyeball out if you can.  It’ll be gross, but you’ll probably get away.

·         Keys.  Sliding a couple of keys between your fingers for a punch or a slap will do a lot more damage than one without keys.

·         Mase.  Have her carry a small bottle of mase in her purse or backpack and know how to get to it fast.  Teach her how to use it and test it outside.

·         Fighting.  Lots of screaming and clawing will not only draw attention, but scraping skin cells out from under fingernails for DNA evidence is one of the first things police look for when someone is attacked.

·         Look up when walking.  I used to scold my wife about this.  As we would walk to class in college or just through the store or parking lots I’d catch her looking at the ground and then ask her what color shirt the guy was wearing that just walked by.  Be aware of your surroundings.

To a young girl this might not be appropriate to talk about, but only you can gauge that.  Take your time, be patient and help your daughter to be aware of her surroundings.  Hopefully her awareness will keep her on her toes and she won't ever find herself in an unfortunate predicament.

Take time to stop and blow the bubbles

Have you ever had one of those days where you didn’t have anything really scheduled but you felt completely busy at the same time?  I have had those plenty of times.  I don’t like them at all. 

On this particular day I felt more prepared for it – I wasn’t going to let the day control me – as I haphazardly filled it with various tasks.  I decided I was going to take time to stop and blow the bubbles.

Sound familiar?  You know the old saying that says something about stopping to smell the roses, right?  I love that one.  Well, taking time to stop and blow the bubbles is just like that, but it’s more about appreciating a moment with your kid.

As I look around my house I can easily see a dozen things I could clean or organize or whatever.  I also see two little girls I can play with.  So today, I took a moment and allowed myself to just be present with my child – and since I have two of them I did this with them individually.

With one daughter we worked on a fantastic writing project.  And with my other daughter, I blew bubbles.

You see, it’s not always necessary to do something extravagant when you want to spend time with your kids.  Sometimes the simplest thing, like blowing bubbles, is the absolute best thing you can do.  I have spoken with parents who go on and on about the lavish vacations they take, or the parties they take their kids to, or all the birthday parties they attend, or all the restaurants their whole family goes to – all to spend time together.  Don’t get me wrong here, we do those things too.

But the moments that really stand out for me are the ones where we stay right here at home and blow bubbles.

So, whatever your “bubbles” are, take time to stop and enjoy a simple moment with your child.

The Top of My Little Girl's Head

The top of my little girl’s head

When you were in your mama’s belly - the doctor measured the top of your head.

When you were born - the first thing I saw was the top of your head.

When I rocked you to sleep - I gently rubbed the top of your head.

When you learned to feed yourself - you had food on the top of your head.

When you started to walk - you fell and bumped the top of your head.

I love to kiss the top of your head.

When I bathed you - I trickled water down the top of your head.

When your hair was long enough - I placed a pretty pink bow on the top of your head.

When you wanted to learn to ride a bike - I placed a helmet on the top of your head.

When I peek in on you while you are sleeping - I kiss the top of your head.

When you are sad and sit upon my lap - I rest my cheek on the top of your head.

When I come home from a long day at work - I hug you and smell the top of your head.

When we dance - I looked down at the top of your head.

When we play dress-up - I place a crown on the top of your head.

When you play with your friends - I worry about the top of your head.

I love to brush the hair on the top of your head.

When you fall in love - another boy will kiss the top of your head.

When you get married - I will pull back your veil over the top of your head.

When you have babies - you will kiss the top of their heads.

When you need me - upon my chest you can always rest the top of your head.

On being Prince Charming

A couple years ago I took my eldest daughter to our first Daddy-Daughter Dance; she was only five at the time.  I knew it was going to be fun, but I had no idea just how much fun I was going to have.  We went all out; bought a new dress and shoes and I even bought a little corsage.  On the night of the dance I decided that instead of simply behaving gentlemanly I was going to treat my little girl like a princess, and I would be her Prince Charming.  I knew treating her like royalty would be nothing short of magical for her.  I didn’t simply behave as a gentleman should, I went far beyond that.

After that night I got to thinking about all the sources of information my two little daughters have access to when it comes to dating and relationships.  And the first source that came to my mind was me.

Our children learn so much just by watching us, their fathers.  In their little minds they are creating their own Prince Charming - their ideal mate.  It’s difficult to comprehend, but that’s the reality of it and it starts sooner than we’d all like.  So I decided that since I knew this mental process was going to take place whether I approved of it or not, I might as well be proactive and try to influence it immediately.  Treating my daughters like little princesses isn’t too difficult.  Of course they’re going to feel special when they’re on the receiving end.  I realized, however, that before I treat them like little ladies, allowing them to see me treat mommy like a lady is just as, if not more, important.

Treating my wife like a lady means a lot to me, it means a lot to her and our children might not realize it now, but it means a lot to them.  Every time I open the car door for my wife, hold the door when entering a restaurant or tell her “I love you”, my two little girls are listening, watching, memorizing.  I have to believe that our actions towards our wives begin to set the stage for what our daughters will come to expect – monkey see monkey do kind of thinking here. 

I’ve never met a father who wanted anything less than the best for his daughter; and a mate is certainly on that list.  You see, I figured if I help create a certain expectation within my daughters for how they should be treated, they will hopefully be less likely to stick with an unsuitable boy.

My wife is helping with this too.  As a young woman she had expectations for how a boy should treat her, and she’s already started discussing that with our young daughters. 

As parents we all have the responsibility to demonstrate the behaviors we want our children to one day exude.  Let us do what’s right and good and let our daughters witness that.

So, men, let’s show our daughters how ladies should be treated shall we? Open the door for mommy when you go to the car, kiss her when you see each other after a long day apart, hug a lot, kiss her on the hand and then look over at your daughter and wink at her – watch your little girl blush as she sees you as the prince you ought to be.  Maybe one day she’ll remember that moment and want it for herself.

On being present

The other evening, while my wife and I were watching a movie, we heard a sudden and terrified call from our daughters' bedroom (they share a room) - "Daddy!" I jumped up from my chair, spun a 180 and made a mad dash to their bedroom. As I opened the door I felt a rush of confused emotions and fears flood my mind and my heart. I'm sure you other dads have felt this way too. As you begin to open the door you're not sure what's on the other side. That night, it was a bad dream!

I don't know what the dream was about, but it didn't really matter - she called her daddy, that's what mattered. As I knelt beside her bed listening to a bunch of incoherent mumbles squeezed out through pouty lips and tear filled eyes I realized how badly she needed me.

I scooped her up, carried her to the glider and rocked her. As I sat with her, in the same glider I used to rock her in when she was an infant, I thought about how present I usually am NOT.

Have you been in a moment like that? It's a moment when you think about every single thought you've ever had about being a dad. The part that always gets to me is when I start remembering all the moments I haven't been fully present for my children. How do you handle that moment?

Well, here's what I did (and try to do). Be present. We can't change the past, right? We can apologize for not being there, but that doesn't change what happened. We can promise to be there in the future, but what happens if you're not?

All we have is the moment we're in. If we are not going to be present in that moment, nothing else really matters.

Make being present a mission for yourself, for your child(ren). My promise to you, you will not regret it.

Where did I go?

I think it’s perfectly normal for any dad to wonder what his life might have been like if he didn’t have kids.  Maybe you had kids earlier than you ever thought you would, or maybe you never really wanted kids, but have them now because, well, they were born.  Or perhaps your kids were never planned and there are some feelings of resentment toward not only them, but their mother too.

Let’s face it, rarely does anyone’s life ever look like their dreams.  Life is a dynamic thing, unpredictable, confusing, and difficult.  I recently had a conversation with a colleague about this very thing.  I reminisced about the life I thought I was going to live.  I went something like this:

I was about 18 or so, single (for the most part), energetic, free-spirited and adventurous.  I envisioned myself as a bachelor, cruising down the road, through Colorado where I would live, in my Jeep Wrangler with the top off.  I had a backseat full of camping gear, a bike on the back and a dog next to me.  Not just any dog, but a yellow Lab with his tongue flapping in the breeze and a blue bandana waving in the wind like a flag on a ship.  We were free, happy and content.  I would live in a small ranch house with a nice sized garage for my toys.  I worked but loved my job and had plenty of free time to do whatever my little bachelor heart desired.  My dog and I were free men, untamed and wild.

I love that image – I really do.  From time to time I think about it and sometimes I get sad.  And it’s ok to be sad.  Through and through, life changes right before our eyes.  People enter and exit sometimes without warning or invitation.  Our habits change, our views change, our attitudes change and sometimes what we once thought we wanted is no longer an option.  And that’s ok.

Ultimately no one but ourselves can choose what life we live.  I’m sure if I really wanted to I could come up with a list of people that deterred me in some way, shape or form from moving to Colorado, to not get a dog, to not buy a Jeep.  So I wonder then if I ever really wanted it.  Like many things, the grass always seems greener on the other side.

This is not an article about having regrets or even how to get over them.  It’s about us understanding that we make the choices in life which bring us to our current place.  No one is to blame and we shouldn’t even “blame” ourselves.  Accept where you are, appreciate who you are, what you have and the family you’ve helped create, and enjoy the beauty of life.  Enjoy the dynamic intricacies of life, it’s ups and downs, its twists and turns and from time to time, throw your hands in the air and laugh and scream and shout and giggle and get mad and be in the moment.

So, where did you go?  Nowhere.  You are right where you left yourself.

What The Daddy Craft is NOT

I like to visit new blogs from time to time.  As a new blogger I'm always looking at how others have designed their blogs and what kinds of content they have.  Well, tonight, as I was clicking around on a few new-to-me blogs, I noticed a few things I don't like. 

First, though, let me clearly state what The Daddy Craft is; a simple blog written by a dad, for other dads (or any parent for that matter).  That's it, really.  I hope my posts are insightful, whether they are helpful or not is up to you.  I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I write; in fact, I really don't want you to.  What I want is to get you to start thinking.  Start thinking about what you do and whether it's a good way to do it or not.  If it is not, then change it.  I won't always be nice or kind, but I will always write from my heart.  I will never tell you exactly what to do, but will instead provide instructions and guidelines for you to incorporate into your parenting style.

Now, what have I seen out there that I don't like?  Well, a lot!  I repeatedly find web content that is too foofoo.  Much like the parenting books that I've seen, it's all too fluffy and cute.  And then there are the ads.  I don't like seeing ads for OTC medications, diapers, new cars and free credit reports flashing across the screen while trying to read what might actually be good material.  It's like watching TV but having all the commercials playing at the same time, while the show is airing!  It's too distracting and quite frankly, annoying.  Understandably these are people just trying to write something good and hopefully make some money while doing it. 

I get it though, I really do.  You just won't find it here.