On being Prince Charming

A couple years ago I took my eldest daughter to our first Daddy-Daughter Dance; she was only five at the time.  I knew it was going to be fun, but I had no idea just how much fun I was going to have.  We went all out; bought a new dress and shoes and I even bought a little corsage.  On the night of the dance I decided that instead of simply behaving gentlemanly I was going to treat my little girl like a princess, and I would be her Prince Charming.  I knew treating her like royalty would be nothing short of magical for her.  I didn’t simply behave as a gentleman should, I went far beyond that.

After that night I got to thinking about all the sources of information my two little daughters have access to when it comes to dating and relationships.  And the first source that came to my mind was me.

Our children learn so much just by watching us, their fathers.  In their little minds they are creating their own Prince Charming - their ideal mate.  It’s difficult to comprehend, but that’s the reality of it and it starts sooner than we’d all like.  So I decided that since I knew this mental process was going to take place whether I approved of it or not, I might as well be proactive and try to influence it immediately.  Treating my daughters like little princesses isn’t too difficult.  Of course they’re going to feel special when they’re on the receiving end.  I realized, however, that before I treat them like little ladies, allowing them to see me treat mommy like a lady is just as, if not more, important.

Treating my wife like a lady means a lot to me, it means a lot to her and our children might not realize it now, but it means a lot to them.  Every time I open the car door for my wife, hold the door when entering a restaurant or tell her “I love you”, my two little girls are listening, watching, memorizing.  I have to believe that our actions towards our wives begin to set the stage for what our daughters will come to expect – monkey see monkey do kind of thinking here. 

I’ve never met a father who wanted anything less than the best for his daughter; and a mate is certainly on that list.  You see, I figured if I help create a certain expectation within my daughters for how they should be treated, they will hopefully be less likely to stick with an unsuitable boy.

My wife is helping with this too.  As a young woman she had expectations for how a boy should treat her, and she’s already started discussing that with our young daughters. 

As parents we all have the responsibility to demonstrate the behaviors we want our children to one day exude.  Let us do what’s right and good and let our daughters witness that.

So, men, let’s show our daughters how ladies should be treated shall we? Open the door for mommy when you go to the car, kiss her when you see each other after a long day apart, hug a lot, kiss her on the hand and then look over at your daughter and wink at her – watch your little girl blush as she sees you as the prince you ought to be.  Maybe one day she’ll remember that moment and want it for herself.

On being present

The other evening, while my wife and I were watching a movie, we heard a sudden and terrified call from our daughters' bedroom (they share a room) - "Daddy!" I jumped up from my chair, spun a 180 and made a mad dash to their bedroom. As I opened the door I felt a rush of confused emotions and fears flood my mind and my heart. I'm sure you other dads have felt this way too. As you begin to open the door you're not sure what's on the other side. That night, it was a bad dream!

I don't know what the dream was about, but it didn't really matter - she called her daddy, that's what mattered. As I knelt beside her bed listening to a bunch of incoherent mumbles squeezed out through pouty lips and tear filled eyes I realized how badly she needed me.

I scooped her up, carried her to the glider and rocked her. As I sat with her, in the same glider I used to rock her in when she was an infant, I thought about how present I usually am NOT.

Have you been in a moment like that? It's a moment when you think about every single thought you've ever had about being a dad. The part that always gets to me is when I start remembering all the moments I haven't been fully present for my children. How do you handle that moment?

Well, here's what I did (and try to do). Be present. We can't change the past, right? We can apologize for not being there, but that doesn't change what happened. We can promise to be there in the future, but what happens if you're not?

All we have is the moment we're in. If we are not going to be present in that moment, nothing else really matters.

Make being present a mission for yourself, for your child(ren). My promise to you, you will not regret it.

Where did I go?

I think it’s perfectly normal for any dad to wonder what his life might have been like if he didn’t have kids.  Maybe you had kids earlier than you ever thought you would, or maybe you never really wanted kids, but have them now because, well, they were born.  Or perhaps your kids were never planned and there are some feelings of resentment toward not only them, but their mother too.

Let’s face it, rarely does anyone’s life ever look like their dreams.  Life is a dynamic thing, unpredictable, confusing, and difficult.  I recently had a conversation with a colleague about this very thing.  I reminisced about the life I thought I was going to live.  I went something like this:

I was about 18 or so, single (for the most part), energetic, free-spirited and adventurous.  I envisioned myself as a bachelor, cruising down the road, through Colorado where I would live, in my Jeep Wrangler with the top off.  I had a backseat full of camping gear, a bike on the back and a dog next to me.  Not just any dog, but a yellow Lab with his tongue flapping in the breeze and a blue bandana waving in the wind like a flag on a ship.  We were free, happy and content.  I would live in a small ranch house with a nice sized garage for my toys.  I worked but loved my job and had plenty of free time to do whatever my little bachelor heart desired.  My dog and I were free men, untamed and wild.

I love that image – I really do.  From time to time I think about it and sometimes I get sad.  And it’s ok to be sad.  Through and through, life changes right before our eyes.  People enter and exit sometimes without warning or invitation.  Our habits change, our views change, our attitudes change and sometimes what we once thought we wanted is no longer an option.  And that’s ok.

Ultimately no one but ourselves can choose what life we live.  I’m sure if I really wanted to I could come up with a list of people that deterred me in some way, shape or form from moving to Colorado, to not get a dog, to not buy a Jeep.  So I wonder then if I ever really wanted it.  Like many things, the grass always seems greener on the other side.

This is not an article about having regrets or even how to get over them.  It’s about us understanding that we make the choices in life which bring us to our current place.  No one is to blame and we shouldn’t even “blame” ourselves.  Accept where you are, appreciate who you are, what you have and the family you’ve helped create, and enjoy the beauty of life.  Enjoy the dynamic intricacies of life, it’s ups and downs, its twists and turns and from time to time, throw your hands in the air and laugh and scream and shout and giggle and get mad and be in the moment.

So, where did you go?  Nowhere.  You are right where you left yourself.

What The Daddy Craft is NOT

I like to visit new blogs from time to time.  As a new blogger I'm always looking at how others have designed their blogs and what kinds of content they have.  Well, tonight, as I was clicking around on a few new-to-me blogs, I noticed a few things I don't like. 

First, though, let me clearly state what The Daddy Craft is; a simple blog written by a dad, for other dads (or any parent for that matter).  That's it, really.  I hope my posts are insightful, whether they are helpful or not is up to you.  I don't expect everyone to agree with everything I write; in fact, I really don't want you to.  What I want is to get you to start thinking.  Start thinking about what you do and whether it's a good way to do it or not.  If it is not, then change it.  I won't always be nice or kind, but I will always write from my heart.  I will never tell you exactly what to do, but will instead provide instructions and guidelines for you to incorporate into your parenting style.

Now, what have I seen out there that I don't like?  Well, a lot!  I repeatedly find web content that is too foofoo.  Much like the parenting books that I've seen, it's all too fluffy and cute.  And then there are the ads.  I don't like seeing ads for OTC medications, diapers, new cars and free credit reports flashing across the screen while trying to read what might actually be good material.  It's like watching TV but having all the commercials playing at the same time, while the show is airing!  It's too distracting and quite frankly, annoying.  Understandably these are people just trying to write something good and hopefully make some money while doing it. 

I get it though, I really do.  You just won't find it here.