Where did I go?

I think it’s perfectly normal for any dad to wonder what his life might have been like if he didn’t have kids.  Maybe you had kids earlier than you ever thought you would, or maybe you never really wanted kids, but have them now because, well, they were born.  Or perhaps your kids were never planned and there are some feelings of resentment toward not only them, but their mother too.

Let’s face it, rarely does anyone’s life ever look like their dreams.  Life is a dynamic thing, unpredictable, confusing, and difficult.  I recently had a conversation with a colleague about this very thing.  I reminisced about the life I thought I was going to live.  I went something like this:

I was about 18 or so, single (for the most part), energetic, free-spirited and adventurous.  I envisioned myself as a bachelor, cruising down the road, through Colorado where I would live, in my Jeep Wrangler with the top off.  I had a backseat full of camping gear, a bike on the back and a dog next to me.  Not just any dog, but a yellow Lab with his tongue flapping in the breeze and a blue bandana waving in the wind like a flag on a ship.  We were free, happy and content.  I would live in a small ranch house with a nice sized garage for my toys.  I worked but loved my job and had plenty of free time to do whatever my little bachelor heart desired.  My dog and I were free men, untamed and wild.

I love that image – I really do.  From time to time I think about it and sometimes I get sad.  And it’s ok to be sad.  Through and through, life changes right before our eyes.  People enter and exit sometimes without warning or invitation.  Our habits change, our views change, our attitudes change and sometimes what we once thought we wanted is no longer an option.  And that’s ok.

Ultimately no one but ourselves can choose what life we live.  I’m sure if I really wanted to I could come up with a list of people that deterred me in some way, shape or form from moving to Colorado, to not get a dog, to not buy a Jeep.  So I wonder then if I ever really wanted it.  Like many things, the grass always seems greener on the other side.

This is not an article about having regrets or even how to get over them.  It’s about us understanding that we make the choices in life which bring us to our current place.  No one is to blame and we shouldn’t even “blame” ourselves.  Accept where you are, appreciate who you are, what you have and the family you’ve helped create, and enjoy the beauty of life.  Enjoy the dynamic intricacies of life, it’s ups and downs, its twists and turns and from time to time, throw your hands in the air and laugh and scream and shout and giggle and get mad and be in the moment.

So, where did you go?  Nowhere.  You are right where you left yourself.